I’m not debating whether or not this is an appropriate comment, as it probably depends on the context.  For me this comment raises an interesting question and that is, are you really the boss of you? Your first response is probably similar to what mine was. Which is, of course I’m the boss of Me.  Who else would be? But there’s more to it than that. The truth is, most of us let our urges, impulses and emotions run our life a little more than we should. I believe that being the boss of Me means that the very best of who I am is in control, the part of Me that is patient, compassionate, disciplined. This is easier in theory than it is in reality but with a little work I think we can all improve.

I believe the easiest way to gain better control of your life is to mindfully work on your self-discipline. Self-discipline is merely doing what you should do, regardless of if you want to do it or not.

I once heard a story of a gentleman who, upon finally realizing that he wasn’t in control of his life, decided to do an experiment. He committed to getting up every morning at 4 AM for one year to go out in his backyard to move a pile of rocks from one place to the other. The next day he would get up again and move the rocks back to their original location. The point of this exercise was to try to develop a higher level of self-discipline. His reasoning was that if he could get himself to follow through with this somewhat meaningless and difficult exercise then he could get himself to do just about anything.

Well, in case you’re wondering, the experiment was a success. At the end of the year this man’s level of discipline and the level of control that he had over his life had increased tenfold.

So the question I have for you and I is….. what (metaphorically speaking) is your pile of rocks? What personal discipline can you practice that will help you, the best you, be in control of your life? Once you decide what it is, commit to it. I’m sure you will love the results.

Following are some general guidelines that will help you keep your team in the flow.

Be Loyal To Those Not Present – No one likes to be talked about behind their back and we should not tolerate people talking bad to others in our presence.

Do More Than Your Fair Share – We all appreciate working with someone that doesn’t say, “That’s not my job.”  Develop a reputation for being someone that will do “Whatever it takes” to get the job done.

Be Dependable – Get in the habit of being where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be there, and ready to do the job.

Anticipate Your Partners Next Move – Good teammates rarely need to tell the person what to do next because their partner is already doing it.

Don’t Vent Out Or Down…Only Up. Then Don’t Vent…Explain – Nothing is worse for morale than whining or venting to people who aren’t in a position to solve the problem.  Go to the source and then explain your viewpoint in a logical, unemotional manner.

Be Flexible – Sometimes it is okay to do it someone else’s way.

When Giving An Assignment, “Ask, Don’t Tell” – No one likes to be told what to do, but most everyone is glad to help out when asked.

When Getting An Assignment, Have An “I’ll Be Glad To” Attitude – Be open to input.

Practice Non-Judgment – We are all different, with varied strengths and weaknesses.  Being judgmental undermines individuals.

Pick Your Battles – The Pope says, “See Everything, Overlook A Lot, Correct A Little” – If you always have to be right, people will tend to resent you and be resistant to your ideas.

When At Work, Put Your Game Face On – We all have personal challenges that we deal with on a regular basis, but when you get to work, leave them at the door.

The third video was about the concept of self-control and how a mighty person is someone who has control of their emotions. During the break, Sue, my producer, asked to speak with me. We stepped away from the crew and then she quietly told me that, due to technical difficulties, we would have to reshoot the first three videos. Instantly, a wave of indignation enveloped me. I thought to myself, “How could this happen? Why didn’t you fix the problem after the first episode? Didn’t you see how good those takes were?” I was livid and just about to give Sue a verbal spanking when it hit me…”Who is a mighty person?” If I really believed that a mighty person has control of their emotions, then this was a great opportunity to practice.

It also hit me that, not only would I look silly by getting upset after talking about the virtues of self-control, but if I tried to reshoot the former three videos in a less than empowered state, they wouldn’t turn out very well. Besides, it was an honest mistake and I have certainly made my share of those.

So, I took a deep breath, gathered myself up and calmly told Sue, “No problem.” Then, we shot four videos in record time and they turned out pretty good.

What strikes me about this incident was that somehow, some way, on that day I was able override my initial inclination to become angry. I started thinking that if I did it then; it stood to reason that I could do it again. A few days later, I shared this story with my father, who is a very wise man with over 50 years experience as a counselor and minister. I told him how I wished I could control my emotions like that all the time, but that it was hard. I also shared with him that I get angry at myself for being angry. It was then that he said something very profound to me. He told me the first step to controlling your emotion is to acknowledge and accept the emotion you are experiencing and, if you can do that, you’re halfway there. The second step is to decide a course of action. Which – when you’re angry – usually just means that you should try to be calm and not say or do anything stupid.

That conversation represented a subtle turning point for me. Afterward, when I found myself in a less than resourceful state of mind, I would say to myself, “I remain calm even in challenging situations.” This affirmation has become very powerful for me and has now become one of our mastery mindsets. I think the easiest way to increase your self-control is to try to practice this concept when you are faced with everyday issues. For example, the next time you open up the refrigerator and the orange juice falls off the top shelf and spills all over the floor, simply take a deep breath and say, “I remain calm even in challenging situations.” Then quietly clean up the mess. Over time, it will become easier and easier and pretty soon, you’ll find yourself calmly dealing with major issues.

As for me, I still find myself irritated or angry more often than I think I should. The difference is, now I’m usually aware of it (at least most of the time) and somehow that minimizes the effect those negative emotions can have on me.

Following is a good outline to use when developing referral strategies:

Asking for Referrals

• Be constantly working on developing a relationship with parents and students
• Whenever possible, ask leading questions regarding their training… “How has Kovar’s Satori Academy benefited you/your family/your child, etc?”
  • If you get a lukewarm answer, don’t ask for a referral. Instead, find out what the challenge is and do your best to turn them into a raving fan.
  • If you get an enthusiastic response, ask if they have a family member or friend who would benefit from the program. Give them a VIP, make a note of your conversation, and then follow up the next time you see them by saying, “By the way, did you ever get a chance to give ______________ a VIP card?”
• When talking with a parent who seems like they might be interested in training someday, ask permission to bug them in the future. If they say yes, remind them every now and then that you have a uniform and an intro slot ready for them.
• Give VIP’s at every opportunity.
• Ask for referrals after a successful extension or renewal conference, office chat, etc.
• Be constantly handing out VIP cards when out in public.
• A.B.T.R. – Always Be Thinking Referrals
  • Soft sell – don’t be pushy

It reminds me of a time several years ago when I was teaching self-defense clinic to a group of women. Everything was going great and after the seminar was over I received tons of great feedback. Then one lady pulled me aside and directed what seemed like a lifetime of anger in my direction because she felt that, as a male, I was unqualified to teach women’s self-defense. Needless to stay on the drive home and for the next several hours after, I let her steal my joy. Rather than focus on the great feedback I had received from the majority of the participants, I concentrated on some comments from one particular person–and, mind you, a person with issues.

Of course it’s easy to say “you shouldn’t let that bother you” when you’re giving advice to your friends. The challenge is being able to apply that advice in your own life. I would like to share with you a few strategies that work well for me. Perhaps they will do the same for you.

First off, do your best to avoid negative environments. This might seem like common sense but sometimes we just need to be reminded. I remember a time years back when a gentleman came into my school to ask about self-defense classes. He had a black eye, a fat lip and some stitches on his cheek. Come to find out, he had just been in a bar fight and ended up on the losing side (On a different note, I’m not sure if there is a winning side in a bar fight, but we’ll talk about that another time). He told me that he needed to learn some self-defense because every time he goes to this one particular bar he always gets into fights. I answered him half jokingly by saying “don’t go to that bar!” He literally answered me by saying “I hadn’t thought of that. What a great idea.” Are there any metaphorical bars in your life that you shouldn’t be going to?

Next, do your best to avoid negative people. We have all experienced our share of these I’m sure. For me, there is one gentleman that clearly stands out. He was the father of one of our junior students and spent a couple hours a week in our lobby for several years. I remember walking up to him one time near the beginning of our relationship, shaking his hand and asking him how he was doing. He responded by saying “lousy, but thanks for asking.” It kind of threw me off but I figured he was just having a bad day. What I found out over time however was that every day was a bad day for him. Virtually every conversation I had with him was negative. Life was hard. He was sick. His son is dumb. We need to teach better classes. I’m a little slow so for the first few months I always tried to accommodate him and fix his problems. Eventually, the light bulb went off and I realized that this is simply who he is. After that, I would simply wave to him as I passed, give him a smile but never slow down long enough to have a conversation because I knew if I did, he would only spew a bunch of negativity my way. Of course it is impossible to use this strategy all the time but I bet that you can use it more than you currently are.

Another strategy, perhaps the most important one, is to try to not take things personally. As a martial arts instructor I know that if I ever lose patience with my students, it’s rarely the students fault. It usually has to do with the fact that I’m probably thinking about something else at the time, something that irritates me, and the student just happens to be in front of me so I unconsciously take it out on them. With this in mind, I know now that the lady who gave me a hard time at the self-defense clinic had some challenges that she was trying to work through and somehow, her venting at me was a way for her to deal her “issues.” It probably didn’t have much to do with me at all.

So the next time some negativity gets thrown your way, simply do your best to not accept it. I’m reminded of a childhood jingle that I learned when I was about eight years old. It went something like this “I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say, bounces off of me and sticks to you.” I didn’t realize it at the time but I would say that was pretty good advice.

Kyoshi Dave Kovar has just been named the 2010 recipient of MAIA’s 2010 Lifetime Achievement Award. Over the last 30+ years Kyoshi Kovar has been the industry’s foremost “teacher of teachers.” His innovative instructional techniques and business systems have played a major role in helping schools throughout the world improve both on the mat and off. Please join me in congratulating Kyoshi Kovar.

Click this link – www.satoriacademy.com/award – to watch a short video about Dave Kovar, recipient of MAIA’s 2010 Lifetime Achievement Award.

The first thing we need to know is if they are happy with their lessons so far. If they are not, they might be using soccer as an excuse to quit and all your persuasion skills will be for naught. If they are happy with the program then you should be able to keep them training. A simple, “How are you enjoying the program?” is a good place to start. If you get a lukewarm response, probe a little deeper to find out why they are not completely satisfied with your program. At the least you can see if there are steps you can take to tighten up so you won’t lose more students for the same reason in the future.

If you find that they love the program and see its benefits for their child, then sometimes it is just a matter of sitting down with them, reviewing the schedule for different time options and letting them know that it is okay to miss some classes; but by keeping their foot in the door, their child won’t fall backwards. Possibly offer special fifteen-minute one-on-one classes.

Let’s Role Play:

Parent: I need to put Johnny’s program on hold because soccer just started and we are just too busy.

Instructor: I bet you are extremely busy. Do you have a few minutes to talk about it?

Parent: Yes.

Instructor: Great!! First off, before we go forward I wanted to know how you have liked the program so far.

Parent: It’s been great. Just what Johnny needed.

Instructor: How has it benefited Johnny exactly?

Parent: Well, there are a lot of things. His behavior has been better, he is much more confident now, and his coordination has really improved.

Instructor: Do you think it will help his soccer game?

Parent: Oh, yes!

Instructor: Can you see how keeping Johnny training until he gets his Black Belt will continue to help him?

Parent: Absolutely! Don’t worry; we have no intention of having him quit. He will be back right after the season is over. It’s just that we have to take a break because we just have too much going on.

Instructor: Mrs. Smith, I’m sure that this is true. Just let me share with you a couple of concerns I have and then some probable solutions, ok?

Parent: Okay.

Instructor: Mrs. Smith, there is a phrase that we use; it is “Sometimes maintaining is gaining.” It basically means that if we can find a way to keep Johnny’s foot in the door during the soccer season, he will be way ahead of where he would be otherwise. You see, at the end of the season, his friends will be a Belt ahead; he’ll feel like he has forgotten everything, and you’ll be out of the routing of bringing him. I can’t tell you how many times that someone has stopped going for soccer season and then never got started again.

Parent: Well, what do you suggest?

Instructor: First off, take a look at the schedule. Right now Johnny comes on Monday and Wednesday. Did you know we have a Tuesday and Thursday schedule as well?

Parent: I’d forgotten. But I just can’t get him in twice a week.

Instructor: Is there a way you can try to get him here once per week and then, during the season, maybe you can bring him in on a Friday or Saturday a couple of times for some one-on-one training?

Parent: Well, I am not sure. We are just so busy.

Instructor: How about we just try it out and see how it works? Then in a couple of weeks, we can see how it goes.

Parent: Okay.

Instructor: Great! So what day are you going to try to get Johnny here?

I call up a person to the front of the room and ask them if they will give me their first reaction to my action. After they agree, I step towards them put my guard up in an aggressive fashion. Inevitably, they respond by putting their guard up as well.

Next, I have them put their guard down and once again ask them if they will give me their first reaction to my action. After they agree, I extend my hand out in friendship. They always respond in turn.

Then, finally, I ask them to put their guard up. When it is up, I extend out my hand in friendship. They always give me a blank stare followed up with a handshake.

The point of this drill is to make everyone aware of how natural and easy it is to react to the energy of others by mirroring their energy. When someone acts defensive towards us (guard up), it is hard not to act defensive back. Likewise, when someone is friendly towards us (hand out), it is pretty easy to return the favor. The real challenge for us lays in the third example. When your cross paths with someone who has their guard up, can you resist the instinct to respond in turn and instead, put you hand out in a gesture of friendship? It is not easy and it takes a mindful effort, but the results can be stunning.

So the next time you find yourself in a hostile environment, I challenge you to resist your first instinct, no matter how strong, and really try to bring a hand of friendship. What happens can is pretty amazing.

Let’s discuss what makes this possible. The first thing to remember is there is more to it than just teaching a great class. It starts from the moment your students enter your parking lot until the moment they leave the school and every moment in between. My good friend, Kyoshi Tom Clifford, talks about the Red, White & Blue Theory for Success in the Martial Arts.

With that said, I challenge you to rate your school from 1 – 10 in the following areas:

1. Location
____Adequate # of parking spaces
____Accessibility from the street
____Lighting
____Cleanliness
____Safety
____Exterior appearance of the building

2. First Contact
____Odor
____Professional appearance
____Greeting
____Positive energy

3. Class
____Friendliness of Instructors
____Appearance of the floor
____Parent Interaction
____Safety
____Instructor/Student relationship
____Progress recognition
____Class planning

4. Post-Class
____Announcements and Handouts
____Class to class transition
____Between class crowd control
____Exit traffic flow

Tally up your scores and see where you are weak. What can you do to strengthen those weaknesses?

The goal of our Junior Beginner Program is the basic martial arts principles in an enjoyable classroom atmosphere with emphasis on practical Life Skills. We also teach additional qualities such as conflict avoidance techniques, and personal safety strategies.

Here are some guidelines that will help your child to excel in martial arts:

• Pick a set schedule and do your best to stick to it. Tip tests and belt promotions require at least a 60% attendance record.
• There is a minimum of one black tip per belt for White and Gold. Keep in mind that everyone progresses at their own pace and it is not uncommon for someone to need an additional tip before testing. We try to teach our students not to compare themselves to others, but just to strive to be their best.
• Practice. Don’t worry if your kids don’t want to practice yet. It isn’t necessary as long as they are coming to class twice a week. So it they do want to practice:

1. Be consistent! Have specific practice time and do your best to stick with it. (Two to three times per week is enough.)
2. Keep practices short! Five to ten minutes is usually plenty of time for beginners.
3. Reward effort! Be as encouraging as possible.
4. Try not to be too picky, that’s our job! Slowly but surely form will improve so don’t expect too much too soon.
5. Make it fun! This is the single most important factor in long-term success. One time-tested suggestion is to have the student teach you, or someone else, what they learned in class.

• Remember, it is natural if your child doesn’t want to come to class every now and then. Here are some tips to minimize this:

1. Have a routine schedule and stay with it. Don’t ask “Do you want to go to Karate today?” Remember, kids are present focused, and if they are doing something fun they will answer “no”. Instead, say, “It is time to go in 15 minutes, so please start to get ready.” If resistance in coming to class persists, which it sometimes does, please let the instructor know. Often times a little instructor-student communication can do wonders.